


one down

by everybird4hundo



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M rating is for swearing, a la taz, all physical contact in this fic is purely platonic, and okay there's some fluff in there too, but I promise it's not that bad, but let's be honest you don't have to squint too hard, it doesnt stick, just a whole lot of hurt/comfort, magnus/lucretia if you squint, spoilers for....all of taz, the character death tag is there but like, warning for a small suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24567523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everybird4hundo/pseuds/everybird4hundo
Summary: Each time they all opened their eyes back on the Starblaster, there was a silent but palpable release of tension when they all saw one another before they went to go nurse years-old hangovers and prepare for the next cycle. Every time they all reappeared in that same state, that tension was less and less.That, Taako thinks as he looks back, was a mistake.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Taako, Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), The Director | Lucretia & Taako
Comments: 16
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first taz fic and my first time writing something like this in, uh, a while, but I hope that you all enjoy this thing that I wrote in a single day after listening to arms outstretched 5 times in a row and getting DEEP into my damn ass feelings

The first year when Magnus was stitched back together on the ship, they weren’t sure what exactly had happened, and Magnus hadn’t been able to clear much up. He said it was foggy. Maybe he had been consumed by the Hunger as they left that plane or maybe he hadn’t. The uncertainty of that gave them all pause. Had Magnus died and still ended up on the ship, or was he only back because they made their escape before that happened? Had it been a fluke?

When the cycles kept coming, when they realized there was no foreseeable end in sight, they became more cautious than ever. Losing one person meant their already small team would grow smaller, and their situation was already unfathomably dangerous. Each time they all opened their eyes back on the Starblaster, there was a silent but palpable release of tension when they all saw one another before they went to go nurse years-old hangovers and prepare for the next cycle. Every time they all reappeared in that same state, that tension was less and less. 

That, Taako thinks as he looks back, was a mistake. 

In the eighth cycle, they land near a place they soon learn is called Funguston. Lup, Barry, and Magnus volunteer to be the first search party to see what’s going on here in this new plane, but Lucretia is so enthralled by the humongous, bioluminescent mushrooms that Magnus offers up his position on the expedition so she can go.

While Magnus came off as a big goof at first glance, he took his job of protecting their team incredibly seriously. Taako can’t help but think that things would have turned out differently had Magnus not given up his spot so Lucretia could satisfy her curiosity.

The three of them were gone for about ten hours, and when they returned to the Starblaster they were all wearing improvised face coverings. The seven of them sat down to debrief. Barry and Lucretia described the folks who lived on this foreign planet, constantly at risk because of the noxious spores released by the huge mushrooms that were, without fail, fatal if breathed in.

As they talked, Taako started getting the sense that something was wrong. He was listening with what for him was rapt attention, though this involved him picking dirt that wasn’t there out from under his fingernails with a dagger that was mostly used for this exact task (Pan knows Taako wouldn’t be caught dead making a melee attack on _shit_ so long as he still had spell slots to burn).

Lup wasn’t saying anything. Usually she was right there with Barry, the two of them occasionally cutting each other off as they talked with matched excitement about their scientific findings. But this time, she was silent and...and a little pale, even, and Taako’s stomach tightened with anxiety as his mind ran wildly through the possible reasons why. 

Barry and Lucretia were at the point in the briefing where they were tossing out possibilities for how to approach this new world when Lup stood and silently slipped away. No one else seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary even as Taako got up to follow his sister, either focused completely on the topic at had (Barry, Lucretia, and Davenport) or completely ignoring the topic at hand in favor of flicking a piece of balled-up wad of paper back and forth at each other across the table (Magnus and Merle).

As Taako neared the door to the room they shared, his sensitive ears picked up on the muffled sound of coughing coming through the door and his entire body went cold. Barry’s words rang in his ears. _Yeah-- yeah, no, they definitely said that breathing in those spores was a death sentence._ His hands shook as he pulled the door open. Scratch that, his entire body shook as he opened that damn door.

Lup wasn’t coughing anymore, but instantly Taako could tell that she was a little pale and was probably the only person in the world who would notice the fine tremor in her hands, so slight it almost wasn’t there.

He shuts the door behind himself as he enters, managing not to freak out through sheer power of will.

“Oh, hey, bro.” Anyone else might not have noticed, but to Taako the forced smile on Lup’s lips couldn’t have been more apparent. “Got bored listening to the nerd patrol?”

“You are the nerd patrol,” he shoots back reflexively, and Lup laughs. The way it ends a millisecond before it usually does grates on Taako’s ears with its unfamiliarity. “Why were you coughing?” It comes out more accusatory than he intends, and he sees the curve of Lup’s mouth set infinitesimally.

“You gonna jump down my throat because I choked on a mouthful of water, Ko?” She grabs a half-empty glass off the bedside table and wiggles it in his direction, the water inside sloshing around a bit. “Not my finest moment, for sure, but I didn’t think it warranted a prosecution.”

Taako crosses his arms over his chest. Steels himself. “You know, Lup, I’ve heard a lot of bullshit come out of your mouth, but it’s usually not directed at me.”

Lup puts the glass down and mirrors his stance. _Well, shit._ Taako thinks. They haven’t fought for a while, not seriously, but this looks like it’s gearing up to be quite the doozy. 

“And what exactly makes you think I’m bullshitting you?”

Taako scoffs, his worry mixing with frustration. It feels too much like -- his twin sister, the one person he’s always been able to trust, depend on, talk to -- Lup is _lying to him_. “You’re pale. You’re shaking. You’re just generally acting weird, Lup, and now I feel like you aren’t telling me everything. What happened out there?”

She seems like she’s gearing up to fight for a few moments, her back straightening and her lips turning down into a frown, but then she kind of deflates and sits down heavily on the bottom bunk. “I’m just… I’m nervous, Taako.” And her voice sounds so small. Taako sinks down to sit beside her, their hands clasping together out of habit, muscle memory even. His anger ebbs in the face of seeing his twin so blatantly distraught. “It’s...it’s really dangerous out there, this time. I know it’s been dangerous before, but here...one of us could die just by _breathing_.”

The nerves, the uncertainty, the _fear_ in Lup’s voice are all completely genuine. “We’ll be careful. We know about it, so we can be prepared.” Taako’s not really the careful planning type, but Lup is just behind Magnus when it comes to the instinct to rush in. It’s not like her to be so worried about things that haven’t yet come to pass. Even with the twin bond between them, Taako knew that if he pushed any more than he already had, she would pull away, so he left it alone.

That night, they both curled into the same tiny bunk together. Even though the bed was barely big enough for one, the twins were used to making themselves small. They fell asleep as they so often did when they were children, foreheads pressed together, hands clasped, and legs tangled up from the knee down. 

Just before they had drifted off, Lup had whispered, “Hey, Koko?” Taako acknowledged her with a sleepy little noise in the back of his throat and he felt more than heard the soft laugh shake her body. “I love you, dingus.”

“Love you too, goofus,” Taako responded, squeezing her hand in his. “Now stop being so sappy and go to bed. Taako’s gotta get his beauty sleep.” Lup shook with silent laughter again, and they both dozed off.

In the morning, before he even opens his eyes, Taako realizes with horror that the shaking hadn’t been laughter. He just somehow hadn't realized Lup had been crying, and her voice was thick with emotion when she had told Taako that she loved him. 

He still can’t open his eyes. He’s terrified. The forehead pressed to his own, the right hand clasped in his left, the legs tangled up with his-- they’re unnaturally cold. And the only thoughts his mind will conjure up are memories of Lup waking him up too early with cold toes pressed against his legs, her laughter ringing in his ears like a bell even as he shrieks at the indignity of it all. But that's not what's happening. He's terrified to open his eyes because every bone in body is screaming that something is wrong, but he won't know what it is, won't be able to fix it until he just _opens his damn eyes._

Taako opens his eyes. He wishes he hadn't.

* * *

Lucretia and Davenport are really the only early birds of the bunch. Davenport, as Lucretia has learned over their years together, is not so much a morning person by choice but out of obligation. Lucretia, on the other hand, finds the quiet moments before the rest of the crew is awake soothing. She usually makes herself a cup of tea (or two, or eight) and goes through her writings from the previous day, making sure that they’re clear and occasionally making edits. She is generally interrupted by the twins, bustling into the kitchen area together to start on breakfast for the IPRE squad.

Today is no different, except the part where it definitely is.

Lucretia is the first to respond to the sound of the scream. At this time the rest of the crew is either still asleep or just waking up, or they’re Davenport and all the way at the helm of the ship. Lucretia would be surprised if they weren’t all awake now.

She makes it to Taako and Lup’s door, leaving a shattered teacup in her wake. Normally, she would leave the whole rushing in gig to Magnus, but he’s nowhere to be seen, so she yanks the door open.

Anything she’d been prepared to say dies on her lips.

The scream had come from Taako, who is now -- holy _shit,_ she’s never seen Taako cry before, let alone the anguished, wailing sobs now tearing themselves out of his body. Maybe it’s shock, or maybe it’s her mind trying to protect itself, but her mind doesn’t process the reason for Taako’s tears for a good few seconds. When it does, she feels her whole body go absolutely numb.

Taako is sitting on the bottom bunk of the bed, hunched over Lup’s head resting in his lap. One of his hands is clenched around Lup’s so hard that his knuckles are the same drained, pallid shade as Lup’s whole body. The other is shaking hard as it caresses one of her freckled cheeks. Lucretia’s Elvish has never been amazing, but she understands enough to realize that Taako is begging, pleading with any god in this or any plane, to bring Lup back.

Lucretia doesn’t even know she’s let out a soft gasp until the whole room goes eerily quiet all of a sudden, and she realizes that Taako’s eyes are fixed directly on her. His cheeks are tear-stained, and his voice full of unimaginable grief and _rage_ when he speaks. “Get. Out.” 

She doesn’t know what to say. She takes a step further into the room, mouth opening and closing as she tries to produce something, anything to say to comfort the elf. “I-- Taako, I--”

“I said _get out!_ ”

Then, all hell breaks loose -- _as if it hadn’t already_ , Lucretia will think later, when she actually has time to process what happened. 

She’s flung backward, out of the doorway and up against the other side of the small hallway that houses the doors to all their rooms. Dimly, she hears doors opening, and people starting to shout. But the only voice she can focus on is Taako’s, and he’s right in front of her now, furious and blazing and there’s a trembling knife pressed against Lucretia’s throat. “This is your fault,” he says, a tremor betraying emotion he’s clearly trying to keep down. He stops trying. “ _Lup is dead because of you!_ ” He screams in her face.

For one terrifying moment, Lucretia is sure that Taako is going to slit her throat. But then Magnus appears, shoving himself between the two of them and wrestling the knife from Taako’s hand.

Things are a blur from that point. Taako screams as he’s dragged away by Magnus -- both for Lup and at Lucretia -- until someone casts _calm emotions_ on him. Lucretia is led to her own room by a shaken Davenport, who tries to make sure she’s okay. Comfort isn’t his strong suit, to be sure, but Magnus was handling Taako, Merle and Barry were most likely with Lup, and that left Davenport to try to handle the job of comforting Lucretia. To his credit, he did try his best, even if his best was a couple awkward shoulder pats and some vague reassurances that everything would be okay before he eventually left to go check on...everything, probably. 

The rest of the day passes in a haze. No one leaves the Starblaster, though Davenport does do another flyover to try to locate the Light of Creation. There’s an unspoken agreement that they all need to be together today. 

It became obvious very quickly that during their maiden voyage out into this strange mushroom-covered land, Lup must have inhaled one of the spores. And even though Lucretia’s first response to Taako’s accusations is _not my fault not my fault this can’t be my fault_ , she sits alone long enough that she starts to think that maybe it was her fault. After all, she’d traded spots with Magnus and gotten caught up taking notes and writing her observations and just being fascinated with the flora of this new world. If she hadn’t gone, if Magnus had gone instead, maybe he would’ve paid more attention to Lup and stopped her from splitting off and wandering too close to the mushroom forest on her own, or maybe he would’ve noticed it happened and they could have _done_ something--

There’s a knock on her door, three heavy raps. _Magnus._ He doesn’t wait for an answer, just comes in. Taako must be with someone else, they wouldn’t just leave him alone. 

Magnus sits beside her and wastes no time in wrapping his arms tightly around her, nose pressing against her hair. Magnus is a pretty touchy person and even Lucretia hadn’t been able to evade his hugs for very long. It’s a familiar comfort, but it doesn’t feel deserved. She tries to pull away, though strong arms don’t give her any leeway to do so.

“It wasn’t your fault.” His voice is soft, muffled against her hair. “Even if I had gone, Lup probably would’ve wandered off anyway. She does what she wants and not even I can stop her, you know that.”

When he finally leans back, he cups her cheeks and gently starts wiping them with calloused thumbs and Lucretia realizes that she must have started crying at some point. “Besides,” he continues. “She’ll be back. We’ll reset at the end of this cycle and she’ll be back like always.”

Lucretia shakes her head, though not as furiously as she was trying to considering Magnus’s hands are still on either side of her face. “You can’t know that.”

“I do know that.” His voice doesn’t waver even for a moment, and despite her own doubts, Lucretia finds herself comforted by how sure he is. “She will, because she has to.” He pulls her back into the hug, and this time she doesn’t try to fight it, just rests her head on his chest, gives herself permission to cry, and prays that Magnus is right.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you are wanting to skip the section with the suicide attempt in it, it begins with "Time goes on" and ends at the divider.

When Taako comes back to himself, he wants to be mad that Merle had cast a spell to calm him down. He wants to rage, break everything in sight, maybe even punch the dwarf. But he also knows that the spell isn’t supposed to last any more than a minute and he’d been out of it for almost three days. Taako gave in to the spell. Leaned into it, so that he wouldn’t have to feel the hole left behind in his chest where Lup had been. 

Not hole-- whole. His  _ whole  _ heart was gone, ripped out of his chest, a giant gaping wound leeching the life out of him. 

The edges of his vision start to blur, and then someone enters the room he’s in and kneels down in front of him. Barry, he registers dimly. He’s in Barry’s room. And Barry is carefully holding his shoulders, a concerned look on his face. His mouth is moving. It takes a second for Taako’s ears to process what they’re hearing, and, oh. 

“Breathe, Taako, you have to breathe, come on.”

He sucks in a breath and everything that had been foggy comes into sharp focus. He can hear himself hyperventilating, feel his hands shaking, his lungs burning. He manages to suck in one slightly deeper breath, then another, then another until he’s slowly coming back to something that could be considered a normal breathing pattern. Barry moves to wrap Taako up in what would likely have been an awkward hug, but Taako doesn’t let him get that close.

“Taako, I really think we should talk about--”

“We’re not going to talk about it.” Taako cuts him off, his voice flat to his own ears. Barry flinches, stammering helplessly as Taako stands and walks out. He slams the door to Barry’s bedroom as he leaves, and then the door to his and Lup’s room when he gets there.

His. For all he knows, it’s just his room now.

Some part of him had been expecting to see her sitting there on the bed, laughing too loud about a prank that had gotten out of hand. She’s not there, though, and the absence of her is jarring. For a while, he doesn’t know what to do other than stand with his back against the door and stare at the place he last knew her to be.

Some amount of time passes (Taako wouldn’t have been able to keep track even if he wanted to), and someone comes and knocks at the door. Once, then twice. Then a sigh-- Barry probably. Later, there’s another knock, this one more persistent, lots more raps on the door, to an annoying degree. Magnus, then, or Merle. Another set of annoying, drawn out knocks, much lower on the door than the first. Magnus  _ and  _ Merle, then.

“You have to come out some time!” Merle yelled through the door, only to be quickly shushed by Magnus.

“Taako, we’re worried about you. And we need to talk to you about...about stuff. I think you know that.” Magnus didn’t have much tact, but he at least had more than Merle.

There are a couple more knocks, some low muttering outside the door, and then Taako is alone with his thoughts and his sister’s ghost again. He slowly sinks down, back sliding against the door until he’s curled into a ball on the floor.

He’s not sure how long he sits there when he hears yet another knock. Four sharp, no-nonsense raps about halfway down the door. Davenport. Taako should’ve known they’d send out the big guns eventually. He’s not getting out of at least a few words exchanged with their Captain. He slowly stands, knees and elbows stiff from being in one position for so long, and wipes his face with rough swipes of his hands.

It physically hurts to turn away from the spot on the bed he’d been staring at, but he forces himself to do it and opens the door. 

Taako knows Davenport well enough to know the difference between his you-fucked-up face and his you-fucked-up-but-I’m-worried-about-you face. It’s currently the latter, and Taako  _ hates  _ that, but he says nothing, waiting for Davenport to speak.

“You need to eat. You need to drink. You need to take care of yourself. If you don’t, one of us is going to have to take care of you, and we both know that’s not what you want.” Taako flinches, but Davenport doesn’t pause. “You’ve been in your room all day. I don’t blame you, but I also won’t watch you starve yourself to death. You have two hours to come out, take a shower, eat a meal, and drink a glass of water, or I’m sending someone in to make you.”

There’s almost a full minute of total silence while he and Davenport stare each other down. Usually chatter can be heard from all parts of the ship, but there’s nothing.  _ Eavesdropping bunch of assholes,  _ Taako thinks.

“I’m not a child, Cap’n Port. I can take care of myself. Geez.” His voice is a little too lilted, a little too animated, and he knows it. But vulnerability has never been Taako’s strong suit, and he’s definitely not about to start trying now. 

He brushes past Davenport on his way to the kitchen and ignores the stares from his crewmates. It’s hard not to look for Lup around every corner as he moves around the ship, and it’s even harder not to throw up every time he does looks and she’s not there. He never gets used to it.

* * *

Time goes on.

Taako thinks a lot about the different ways he’ll ream Lup for leaving him not even a week into this cycle, because it’s the only thing that he can hold onto. He tries to maintain some semblance of normalcy with the rest of the crew, forcing himself to laugh at their jokes, throwing himself into some dumb papier-mâché replication of the Light to distract his mind. No one calls him on how pointless this idea is, and most importantly it doesn’t require him to leave the ship.

He remembers one of the worst nights, about a month after Lup...after she went away. Taako had been cooking dinner, some kind of soup made from whatever they had lying around. Not his finest work, but still better than whatever anyone else on this panforsaken ship could come up with on the fly. Without thinking, and without looking away from the simmering pot, he held his wooden spoon out to the side and asked, “Do you think this needs more salt, or is it just destined to be bland as hell?”   
  
“I don’t think I’m qualified to weigh in on that.” Merle’s voice was an unwelcome surprise. Taako jerked his head to face the dwarf, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. In his mind, it had been so clear. Lup had been beside him, silently judging his choices and slipping things in the pot when she thought he wouldn’t notice, skipping nimbly away when Taako swatted at her because  _ uh, of course I noticed, are you kidding me? _

“Hey, uh, Taako, you alright there, pal?” Merle’s voice was more distant now, and more concerned. Taako barely noticed.

He also doesn’t notice that he’d made a run for the main door of the ship until he’d been dragged away from it, quite literally kicking and screaming, by Magnus. “Let me go!” He heard himself yelling. Sobbing. “Let go of me!” Magnus didn’t let go of him, even when Taako’s fingernails started digging red welts into his arms as he tried to claw his way out of the hold. Merle ran after him and was to one side in the room, clearly preparing to cast another  _ calm emotions  _ on Taako. Barry rushed over to guard the door just in case Taako managed to break free. Davenport stood about halfway between them, hands up in what looked like some kind of peacemaking gesture. Lucretia was nowhere to be seen. 

“Taako, come on, calm down. Don’t make Merle burn a spell slot,” Davenport was trying to make him see reason. Taako didn’t really want to see reason. “You’ve already hurt Magnus, please just calm down.”

And, oh. Taako looked down, realizing fully for the first time that somehow he had only recognized Magnus as the thing preventing him from moving and not as _Magnus, his_ _friend._ He stopped fighting almost instantly, going limp in the arms that held him as he mumbled a watery apology. Mangus eventually trusted him enough to loosen his grip, and Taako beat a hasty retreat for his room the second he had the opportunity.

When he reached the hallway, he saw a wide-eyed, guilty-looking Lucretia staring at him. He stared back for a few seconds, then shook his head, lips setting into a frown. “Peep show’s over,” he told her, voice flat. Her mouth opened as if to say something, but he didn’t wait for her to speak, just went into his room and slammed the door behind himself.

Later that night, there had been a soft rap on the door, and before he could tell the person to go away, Barry pushed the door open, nerves and worry clear on his face. “Taako? I thought-- maybe I could just sit with you for a while…?” Taako looked down at his own hands, silently hoping that Barry would just leave, but he didn’t. So after a couple long moments, he lifted his head with a heavy sigh and nodded. 

True to his word, Barry just climbed up in the bunk beside Taako and sat next to him in silence. It was...oddly comforting, in a way that nothing had been since Lup’s death. They sat together for what had to be at least a couple hours, and then Barry shifted and turned to face Taako. He didn’t have to say anything for Taako to know exactly the question on his mind.  _ Why?  _

“I can’t live without her, Barry,” he says, and yeah, talking about feelings did not really feel amazing. But how much room does he have to worry about wearing his heart on his sleeve when he doesn’t have his heart? “We’re not two people. We’re one person. Ever try living with only half of yourself? Ask Magnus to cleave you in twain sometime, then try.” 

He barked out a sharp laugh. Barry didn’t. 

“It makes sense in my head, right? We both live, or we both die. She’s...she’s already dead. If I die, too, then we either both come back at the beginning of the next cycle or we both stay dead. Either way, I don’t have to keep trying to slug along in this dump without my sister.”

Barry looked away, seeming uncomfortable but determined. “So… Your plan was to just… Go out there and breathe in some spores and be done with it? Taako…” He trailed off, seemingly trying to put together his thoughts. “I cannot even begin to understand the connection you and your sister had. Have. But...we all care about you, too. We need you. She’s going to be back. I...I have to believe that. And you know that when she does, she’ll kick your ass straight into the next cycle if she finds out you let yourself die.”

“You’re right.” Taako sat up slowly. “You can’t understand the connection we have. Get out of my room.”

Barry’s face fell instantly and he was scrambling to salvage the situation. “Taako, I didn’t-- I didn’t mean--”

“Please get out of my  _ fucking room, Barry. _ ”

“No.”

Taako was surprised enough that his mouth opened and closed a couple of times around words that just wouldn’t form. Of all things, he hadn’t expected Barry to just… Not. “...No?”

“No,” Barry repeated, crossing his arms. “I’m not leaving. You don’t get to just treat me or anyone else like dirt. I know you’re grieving. I know Lup was your twin and that’s not something I’ll ever really get. But we’re hurting too. She’s our friend. We all miss her. I-- I  _ really  _ miss her. We need to make it through this year so we can see her again, and we need you around to do it. So stop shutting us out. We can hurt together, and then we can do our jobs and see her again soon.” Barry didn’t say the  _ hopefully _ , but it was there in the echoes.

There was a long silence in which Barry and Taako just watched each other, both waiting for the other to do anything, really. After a couple tense minutes, Taako looked away and mumbled something under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Okay.”

Barry didn’t seem to be expecting that response. Looks like they had both managed to pull the rug out from one another today. “...Okay?”

“Okay. Yeah. Fine. I won’t try to off myself again. Whatever.” Taako still didn’t look at him, but he could feel Barry practically radiating relief. “Now can I chill for just like, a  _ little bit _ before I have to go out and deal with the boner squad?” He kept his tone light, and grunted in (fake) distaste when Barry hugged him.

“Yeah, buddy. You can have a little bit.”

* * *

Things have been as close to normal as possible since that night. Taako sits at the table during briefings even if he has a hard time focusing on them. He joins in on “family game night” even though it usually makes him want to punch the overly-competitive Magnus. He tries to help Barry with his nerdy science garbage. He takes a couple turns manning the helm so Davenport can get some rest. His and Merle’s usually friendly ribbing resumes its regular schedule.

The only truly odd thing is that he hardly sees Lucretia. She makes an excuse to duck out of every room he enters, and altogether avoids the places he normally frequents. At first, Taako is annoyed. She ought to know by now that he wasn’t going to hurt her. But he slowly comes to realize that Lucretia isn’t doing it because she’s afraid of him hurting her. She’s doing it because she’s afraid of hurting  _ him _ , of causing him any more pain in the aftermath of Lup’s death.

And Taako had blamed her for that pain, at first. He had told her as much; more than told her, in fact. He’d screamed it in her face and threatened her with a knife. But it had been a few months now, and he’d had a few long conversations with Barry and a few short but pointed ones with Davenport. He knew he needed to apologize but  _ fuck  _ if that wasn’t hard. Lup was usually his conscience, bullying him into apologies and making him take accountability for things. Having to go it on his own was rough to say the least. 

It takes him a bit longer than it maybe should have, but he eventually drags himself to Lucretia’s door, hesitating just a moment before bringing his knuckles down on it to knock.

“Come in,” she calls softly from inside, and, yeah, she definitely isn’t expecting him.

Taako takes in the look of absolute surprise on her face, wide eyes and lips slightly parted, and has to resist the urge to shrug his shoulders up around his ears to feel just a little less exposed. Instead, he tucked his hands in his pockets. Keeping it casual. Gods, if only.

“Hey, Lucy,” he starts. He purses his lips, pulls his hands back out of his pockets. Presses them nervously against his own thighs.  _ Shit.  _ “Don’t worry, I’m, uh. I’ve come unarmed, this time.” His lips curl up in half a smile and he rubs the back of his neck.

“I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had,” Lucretia says, voice small.

Taako shakes his head. “Don’t-- just, don’t, please? That day… I wasn’t okay. And I wanted someone to blame that wasn’t… It was easier to blame you than it was to blame myself for not looking after her, and it was way easier than blaming her for being careless. And all of those things together are easier than not having anyone to blame but just shitty luck for what happened, which is the real truth. So I guess...what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry.”

Lucretia is quiet for a few moments, and then she puts the notebook she’d been holding in stiff hands since the moment he had walked into her room off to one side. “I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. And I’m sorry, too.” She holds up a hand to stop him from contradicting her. “No, I am, and I should be. I behaved like a child, hiding in dark corners and tiptoeing around you. And I will always kick myself for not keeping a closer eye on Lup that day.” 

There’s something that could be called a companionable silence as they both process the words spoken between them. Then, slowly, Taako moves, sitting down beside Lucretia and pulling her close. “You tell anyone I got touchy-feely with you and next time I  _ will  _ come armed.” She laughs softly at his empty threat and just lays her head on Taako’s shoulder, both their legs dangling off the side of the bed. 

A few long minutes of silence later, Lucretia speaks up. “Taako?”

“Yeah, Luce?”

“I miss her.”

“I miss her, too.”

* * *

The rest of the cycle is okay until it isn’t.

Magnus leads the charge to try and recover the Light. It is, after all, the only thing that they really need to do on this plane. They’d spent months triangulating and finally found it, now the only goal was to retrieve it. It was all hands on deck. Davenport stayed to pilot the ship, and Taako stayed with him because the crew wasn’t entirely convinced he wouldn’t try something (and to be honest, he wasn’t sure either). Merle wasn’t there either, having built quite the following with his congregation back in Funguston. That left Magnus, Lucretia, and Barry on the ground, along with the scorch team they’d managed to recruit.

They bring the Light back to the ship, but they don’t bring Magnus back. Millions of giant mushrooms didn’t exactly do the best job of providing a steady signal, so their stones of farspeech had stopped working about an hour into their venture. Taako doesn’t realize what’s happened until Barry and Lucretia come through the door of the Starblaster, looking exhausted and harrowed.

There’s just silence. Usually they celebrate when they’re able to successfully retrieve the Light of Creation, but this time a weight that settles over the four remaining members of the IPRE. Technically five, but Merle had announced his intentions to stay with his church when the Hunger came, and there was no telling if they’d escape before he died.

If they were wrong about this, if they didn’t really come back, then their seven-member team would be down to four, and where would they be without their protector? Their peacekeeper? Without...without Lup?

The silence stretches long into the night, until Taako knocks on Lucretia’s door for an unprecedented second time during the same cycle, and then walks in without waiting for an invitation. She’s curled up in her bed, muffling soft sobs into her pillow. It’s a rare sight, but Taako isn’t really one to judge on that front. 

He crawls into bed beside her, wraps both arms around her middle, and tucks her against his chest. “He’ll be back,” he murmurs into her hair. 

Lucretia’s hands clench in the pillow she’s holding. Then she turns her head so she can look up at Taako and nods, the set of her mouth hard and determined even though it’s still trembling. “He has to be.” 

“Wanna help me kick his ass for making us miss him when he comes back?” Taako asks, propping his head up on one hand. Lucretia’s shaky little laugh is all the answer he needs.

* * *

When they finally fly away from the mushroom forest that had caused them so much pain, Light in tow and the Hunger hot on their heels, their collective breath is held.

They cross the threshold, and, as though he’d never been gone, Magnus is there with a black eye, Merle with a cut on his forehead. And Lup, Lup,  _ Lup _ , is standing with her hand clenched tightly in Taako’s, the same as every time they reset back to their original positions. Her smile is radiant and so is her laugh when Taako practically tackles her to the ground for a hug. 

“I take it you missed me, then?” She asked, an absolutely shit-eating grin on her face.

“Only ‘cause you left me alone with, what, knockoff Tom Arnold and the wiener police? That does not fly with me,  _ my dude _ .” 

Lup is laughing her ass off as she rolls away to go say hello to the other members of the crew. She gives almost everyone a hug, but the one with Barry lasts a little longer than the others and, huh, interesting. Taako sees Lucretia sitting on the couch with Magnus, the two of them shoulder to shoulder and talking quietly while the rest of the crew catch up. He manages to catch Lucretia’s eye, and they exchange a small smile.

That night, as if they’d all read each other’s minds, they begin a synchronized effort to drag every mattress on the whole damn ship into the common area -- even Davenport and Merle bring theirs out. Neither of them exactly join in on the ensuing cuddle puddle, but they do sleep close by and the crew gets a rare look at their Captain actually relaxing for the first time in maybe ever.

The rest of them all pile together in a mess of limbs. Taako and Lup are near the center, facing one another with his left hand clasped in her right. On the other side of Lup is Barry, with one arm draped over Lup’s waist and the other flung haphazardly over his own face as he snores. On Taako’s other side is Lucretia. Their backs are pressed together and Taako’s right hand is occupied by one of hers. Her head is resting on a muscular arm belonging to Magnus, who is laying flat on his back and somehow managing to out-snore Barry.

It’s messy, and loud, and hot, and a little uncomfortable, but there is no place that Taako would rather be. The  _ I miss you _ s and the  _ I love you _ s and the  _ I’m so glad you’re not dead _ s all hang unspoken in the air. Though they aren’t so much said out loud, they are felt deeply, and for the first time it’s not just Lup that’s making Taako feel like he’s home. 

Taako is surrounded by his family, and he’s never been warmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read to the end of this! it really means the world to me. if you liked this, please drop a comment. it's been a long time since I've written, and I would like some motivation to do it again sometime


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